Meditation is hard
There are so many ways to meditate. Today, I couldn’t decide whether I would focus on breathing into Dan Tien or mindfulness meditation. I started with mindfulness and wound up changing to breathing. Then I switched back to mindfulness.
I think it’s important to be flexible in these cases. I felt uncentered this morning when I sat down. Focusing on Dan Tien can really help recenter myself. It also calmed my mind so mindfulness was easier.
But meditation was still hard. It’s hard to be aware of yourself. It’s just hard. But it is also the most important thing you can do in your life: know who you are. Sometimes I sit down and I get into it really well. Sometimes, like today, I just sit there and wait for the magic to happen.
Because when it does work, it is like magic. Your ways of thinking become exceedingly clear. At it’s best, you delight in unraveling another piece of your psyche. At it’s worst, it shows you how shallow, egotistical, and vain you really are. Both experiences are valuable. The goal is not to be less shallow or less vain. The goal is to know what you are and love yourself. To love every bit of yourself.
I think that’s what I wasn’t doing today in practice. I wasn’t loving myself. I entered meditation practice like it was a game that I could play. It is not a game you play with your mind. It is a way to love yourself and the universe more deeply.
As I’ve said previously, it has been a while since I last meditated. I am going to have to piece together my practice once again from all of these fragments of past learnings. One small fragment at a time.
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